I am creative and intuitive by nature. I'm the one that's always "daydreaming."
The problem? I'm a people pleaser through and through and doubt every decision I make.
I always went the safe route because it felt like the right thing to do. The logical thing to do. Go to college, get a job, make money. A guaranteed formula!
It's interesting how we use different formulas for nearly every aspect of life. A recipe, a math problem, medications. Yet we've collectively decided to subscribe to this restrictive narrative over and over -- the formula for success.
The thing is, I never even knew there was another route. I grew up in a household that thrived in practicality, simplicity, and methodical decisions. While they didn't harbor disdain for any creative pursuits, it's almost like my perspective shrunk over time. Like being in a deflating balloon, trapped inside.
Oftentimes, these routes work. At least for a little while, as you get you from point A to point B. But when we look for safety, we tend to rack up the points. Point B becomes point F, point F becomes point J...and then suddenly, you're on autopilot.
I'd been feeling unfulfilled for a long time, but 30 hit me hard. And not because I didn't have a husband, kids, a home, amongst a dozen other laundry list items. It's because I felt a genuine lack. Of everything. It was incredibly frustrating. I have a roof over my head, a wonderful group of friends, a supportive family, a "great" job...what do I have to complain about?
I tried to play the blame game. Cut this or that, try this or that, do X instead of Y. But it didn't work. In fact, bit me in the ass a couple times. I'm not sure at what moment, but it hit me. That anxious, restless, "need more" energy wasn't a result of external factors. It was a result of years of safe thinking. Dismissing my internal voice in such slow motion, I'd almost lost it all together.
The past year was a whirlwind. I had two hip surgeries and was laid off twice. Sprinkle in addiction, depression, and anxiety...I might well have changed my name to Turbulence.
As you can imagine, I had a LOT of time to think.
It started to bother me, these fleeting creative ideas. I'd get excited about something, but fell flat. I so desperately wanted to do something I loved, but couldn't figure out how to fit it into society's endless expectations. I knew I wasn't happy. I tried everything, and continued to feel frustrated that nothing would "stick."
I was genuinely curious, and longed for deeper conversations, insight, and connection. I wanted to feel inspired from first hand experience. The risk takers. Or maybe the ones who weren't, but had a breakthrough.
So I made it my mission. My hobby would be learning about other people's hobbies.
Success comes in so many shapes and sizes, and I certainly was not going to fit in mold built by society. I think many of you feel that way too. By hosting in depth discussions with those who took the plunge, my hope is you realize something with yourself along the way. At the very least, learn something new! A gateway into what could be. A peek into the baby steps, the nuances, the awkward in betweens.
Let's get curious together.
-Kelsey Glass-
Who's Still Figuring It Out.